Embracing the Now to Propel Forward

I’m sharing the following because I know I’m not alone. And sometimes saying things “out loud” can help in the process. I’ve said before to Trust in the Process. But what happens when the Process needs to change and we need to develop a new one, one that at times might feel like we’re back to the drawing board, back to blind trust, back to fear taking over the excitement of the unknown. 

I wrote the following a few weeks ago: 

I cried at the track today, before I even started my workout. The smell of the infield grass, the sound of my foot strike on the track surface as I did drills; with it all memories come rushing back through the veins; the track is not just in my blood, the lessons it has taught are woven into my fibers, its magic lies deep within my soul and often times at the forefront of my heart. It has been months since I visited the track for my own workout; my goals were better served elsewhere. I’ve returned as the current goal has called me here. I cried because of the depth and beauty of the story, but more importantly because I know there is a new story to be written. The path to this space where I can feel all this emotion, but not look back with expectation to be something I was - a number, a certain physique, afraid.  No I am brought to tears, because of the shift of focus and wonder of what will be in the future is overwhelmingly liberating. I am working within the person I am in the moment and towards the beauty that will shine in the future. It’s exciting to be living in what will be without an overshadowing of what was. Even if I find a familiar number, I am not the person that achieved it before. I am a different version of myself honoring where I’ve come from, but living and running for where I am now. 

Since then I continue to struggle with the pull to look at prior year’s numbers - I’m a runner competitive with myself. 

I read it now and I’m so glad I took the time to write down that emotion - it’s powerful. I feel empowered reading it; like, “Yes!” I’ve got it within me to embrace the now and trust in the new. 

I’m going to continue to work on not being competitive with where I was. This does not mean I’m giving up or taking a back seat to getting older. I’m still setting goals and working hard. The training schedule looks different and I can’t compare the schedule to what was before either. Instead, I can relax into the added recovery that allows me to keep doing what I love.  I’m still going to be competitive with myself, but with who I am today. Am I going to have moments where I look back? Of course, I’m human. But I find enjoying today and writing goals for tomorrow is far more productive and brings a lightness to my step that will no doubt propel me forward. 

Michele Pettinger